Moving Past The Evil

I do not think that you should get an automatic “get out of jail card free” because of your having been abused as a child so that you get to abuse others like you may have been taught, but I do believe that this should be given some consideration as long as the person attempts to break this cycle. My shining example of how this cycle can and has been broken is my oldest nephew, his father didn’t physically abuse him but he was an alcoholic absentee father, which is abuse in anyone’s book. My nephew was raised by a loving mother who has had her own issues, the same issues I have had as her sister, as we were raised by a mother who allowed our stepfather to sexually molest us as young teenagers. My sister wanted to be a better mother than our mother but failed that goal in some ways because of her intense desire to be her children’s best friend and didn’t want to be the “evil mother” (as she felt the one we had was, and she was, for allowing us to be abused) so she didn’t always come through when she needed to be a mother because she didn’t want to be the “bad guy”, but given the dysfunctional training we both received she did the best she could do and her abuse was a lack of ability to be a tough enough mother at times when the children needed one and she would fall apart emotionally when things got tough. But it was certainly a great improvement upon what our mother did for us but it did cause her children to be afraid to bring up emotional subjects with her because she would “fall apart”. This is where I played an important role of as the understanding aunt who could fill in the blanks where my sister wasn’t able to. They knew they could talk to me about the things my sister had emotional trouble handling so between the two of us we raised three beautiful boys and the eldest one probably had it the roughest because we were all learning how to be Parents, Aunts and Sons but we did succeed and we raised three wonderful young men that I am very proud of. When the oldest nephew of mine’s girlfriend got pregnant on purpose (but it was a purpose he didn't know she had in mind) my nephew initially flipped out (very understandable considering he was only 20 years old and didn’t have a very high paying job – but he did have a job and he has always been a good worker), he felt he was barely able to support and take care of himself and his girlfriend much less care for a child. But he stepped up to the plate when he was told by his girlfriend, now wife, that she was pregnant. He told me that he didn’t ever want to be a “crappy father” like his father had been an absentee alcoholic who was never there for him. A lot of people say that they want to be a better parent that they had but few actually make it happen, but he did, and I give equal amounts of credit to my sister, me and my nephew. He now has two wonderful children and he has been there for them for their whole lives (they are now 13 and 10) and they are smart, well behaved (more than even “normally” well behaved) which means they behave like well-adjusted children, actually they behave like above average normal children which given all the hurdles my sister, me and my nephew overcame is phenomenally good and says a lot for what the three of us have dealt with and have been able to overcome against a lot of odds. So no matter how much the “sins of the parents” are often visited upon the children the fact that my oldest nephew, he is now 35 (the younger two aren’t married yet and don’t have any children but they are only 32 and 23), and is a wonderful father who is raising 2 fabulous children. He does prove the circle of dysfunction can be broken with a lot of hard work and love practiced by the children born into circumstances that they can only control by their actions because you can’t undo what has been done to you. The strength of the human spirit to do the right thing is alive and well with a lot of hard work done on my part, my sister’s part and my nephew’s part can be a wonderful shiny thing. I love them all dearly, and by all I am including the two nephews who don’t have any children at this time but are lovely human beings who love their mother, aunt and brothers and the significant others in their lives which includes the animal members they always include on their Christmas cards, kind of like what their "aunt" has always done on her Christmas Cards. You can’t pick your family but you can help build it into a beautiful thing with a lot of hard work and by not allowing the past to bring it down. I love them all dearly. And we work at becoming functional on a daily basis.